Cards

Those eyes can kill!!

 Those eyes that can kill!

- someone who "officially" should be your husband of 12 years?!  The expression is for his worse enemy or most hated person in the world instead.  Blood Sea Deep Grudge
- someone who is always self-righteous, perfect, no mistakes and will never say sorry.  Or even if he would, he does it because he just feel partially sorry or just to shut you off.
- someone act out like a mad dog to the wife while the wife hasn't even say anything while only pointing and was thinking to explain it was as careless little mistake
- Someone who will not admit his own fault set a very good example to the kids  (12 years of marriage should makes you understand the nature of guys! Stupid me)
- someone who did care about his witness to God and is the leader of the fellowship?!  Someone who's guilty to shame and to anger.
- someone who cares about his face far more then a relationship that will beneficial to his own kids
- someone who claim to love his wife while attitude does not reflect
- someone who will use money to buy gift but will not use patience and time to communicate
- someone who thinks the wife always bark at the wrong time
- someone who don't mind the kids and love the kids so much but doesn't love the kid's mother as much
- someone who's their beloved daddy but not a beloved husband
- someone who thinks the wife is a machine who can turn on with a gift and a switch

cards made... just a record to keep...

Mother's day reflect - worse mom

Somehow, this year i feel crappy. 
I yell.  I don't have patience.  I don't love them enough.
I'm qualified for the worse mother of the whole universe.... well, not those who will kill and starve their child, but worse enough.

My husband said my daughter is so poor.  Poor little girl who suffered every morning by my yell and scold.
I acknowledged.  I cannot change.
I got upset when she's slow.
I got upset that my husband contributed to this slowness.
I got upset that my husband made her cough more by giving her icy cold watermelon.
I got upset for everything.  Then I got mad.  I yell.
Things are not my way.  I got upset.  Then I yell.
I don't have patience to deal with kids.
I don't have patience to let them slowly learn their way.
I think of revenge.
OK, go away and be late.  Your fault.  You take it yourself. 
I hate myself.
My husband made me hate myself more.
I know i'm not a good wife, not a good mom.  Because I always lost my patience and I always yell and scold and say mean things.

I hate that he contribute to all these, because he only criticize, and do not try to help.

He just thinks that I'm over reacting.

He just thinks i'm scolding for nothing.

How i wish I can escape my role, not be a mother, not be a wife.

Free, for a week, or just for a day.

No kids, no husband, no myself.

It's a fine sunny day. But i just hate myself.

p.s. looking back, same issue.  Same depressing.  Same bad mom.  Even i should have God, but seem i never allow God to help me with this.  Temper issue.  I'm getting worse.  It's not that I'm ungrateful.
Depression has a cycle i guess.  it's just too depressing.  I think mother's day is just making them obligated to "do something" while they don't really think i'm a good enough mom to entitle to anything.
Not even a day to be free of chores.
Or to be free from being a mom.
Being a mom is too much task. Way too hard for me.
I have no God in my life.  This is a reflection.
 

---

All is well?

E has been off breast milk since 10 months.  Now he's 14 months.  He was fine with Alimentum RTF.  Now he's eating solid.  Mostly chicken, beef, pork or turkey for meat.  Veggies with oat, quinoa or buckwheat.  Allergist said it's mostly virus that caused him hives.  We're still on and off with hives and giving him benedryl or hydroxizine. 

Sophie's already 4.  Ethan had turned 1.  Time flies.  Life seem to be resumed to normal.  I'm less depressed now.

Today i feel bad.  I forgot Monday was a holiday and Vic drove Sophie to school and found out there's no school.  He didn't say anything.  Until today, i forgot it's PJ day.  Didn't put S in PJ and he called me voice sounded mad to me.  He wants to come home to get PJ for her and i don't think it's necessary.  So i said maybe i'll go before going to Hanah's group (Koral's house).  Then i didn't go becos E didn't wake up early.  And if i go it'll be only 1 hour left.  Plus i was thinking S should learn to cop.  Today we dine out, he started to say i should make a reminder.  S was OK, didn't feel sad or anything cos she said Ashely forgot to wear PJ as well.  I feel V is blaming me.  I already feel i'm a bad mom.  My heart aches when he makes me feel this way.  Anyway... i'm just being so forgetful.  maybe I need the app Jenny recommend.  I'm doing it now.

I was bad as well.... kept saying they'll sleep late becos we dine out.  But i was waiting to talk to Mandy about her son's eczema.  And i didn't expect he won't come home till around 7pm..... i know he meant good to take me out so i don't have to cook.  But i'm more concerned about their sleep time then having fun to dine out.  Perhaps i never know how to relax and enjoy life.  Life is just so much chores.  I wanted to enjoy myself in doing things i enjoy.  Not doing things they enjoy.  But i try to be better... saying S doesn't have school tomorrow... but atmosphere was ruined already.   I felt like being scold.  i admit it's my bad to forget.  But i still think that S can handle this so it's good.  We should not spoil her by making everything rosy.  Shouldn't we help her to adjust and adapt?  I slept late again...writing this blog and venting out... and setting up Cozi calendar. 

I asked S if i'm a bad mom.  If she felt sad about not having PJ while other kids had.  She said she's OK, not feeling sad, and i'm not a bad mom.  I told her i feel bad because i forgot.  We prayed God will help mommy not to be forgetful.  Sigh.... feeling being a bad mom is one thing.  Feeling your husband thinking you're a bad mom make things worse.  I wanted to cry but i was able to hold it at the sushi place... i guess I'm stronger... but when trying to make E sleep and when I pray my eyes were swelled.  Even when I asked S during brushing teeth.  And now... it's just depressing. 

How come i just keep thinking of negative stuff?  I tried to enjoy life... maybe i can't.  I can't balance well. 

No formula that Ethan can tolerate??!!

I have weaned him.  In hope that there's some formula he can take.  First i tried Neocate.  Made me so depressed.  He got hives with it.  He couldn't finish it as it taste yucky.  So i mixed with some apple sauce or banana.  Got hives at his chin.  I almost cried for it.   What's left for us if he can't even tolerate those elemental single amino acid type of formula???!!!!  My GOSH!!!  I'm in such despair.  Then i searched and found some forum.  Some mommies saying Alimentum RTF has no corn.  So we tried.  He was OK for a couple days.  When we go to disney on 24th for Sophie's b-day, on the way back, i fed him this.  He was cranky and cried.  I was thinking maybe it's the nipple that's latex?? So i tried another time with silicone nipple.  Still hives.

I have mixed feelings.  Guilty.  Reluctant to go back to BF with this elimination diet.  But every time E cried Nine Nine... my heart ache.  I don't have enough love to him.  I know love is patience, love endures.  I don't have this quality in me.  I'm selfish.  I just want to eat whatever i want.

Then past 2 days, he seem to have hives to everything he eats.  I tried Elecare first thing in the morning.  Hives.  I gave him Banana, pear, apple oat.  Hives!!!  Coconut milk? Hives.  Millet with chicken and yam?! hives!!!  I don't know what i can feed him anymore.  Poor baby.  Is it the sofa has dust mite?? The dog is too dirty to be around him?!  God, please help me.  I even post on a forum.  Some people say coconut or hemp milk.  Some say relactate.  I want to die.  I regret giving birth to him, to have both of us suffer.  And i regret having this feeling.  I hate myself.  I have allergies.  Why us?!  My life changed.  I know man should not depends on food only.  I'm not being close to God.  I don't have strength.

Yesterday Vic teased that because i'm upset so he skipped fellowship.  I felt unfair.  He just used me to escape... he planned to skipped it for long.  I replied "Yeah, you usually think i'm just crazy".  He said how come i speak like that.  If i do feel this way.  I said yeah, i do sometimes.  I regret saying this.  The fact is that mostly when i'm upset, my face turned black.  Like PMS.  Big bad time.  He usually pretends there's nothing happened or just ignore me.  I was still mad the other day he said i speak mean in the morning.  I hate myself.  I hate this role.  I'm getting depressed.  Felt like want to cry.  I felt this whole food allergy incident just draw us further apart.  He always think i'm just over reacting.  Overly worried.  Yeah, i'm just a negative person.  I can't help it.  he never tried to understand or validate my feelings and my fear.  My despair.  I'm so helpless.  I cannot provide for my baby.  I am not a good mom.  I don't know what to feed him.  I'm scared.  I regret having him.  Though i know God is trying me.  Why in the cost of this poor baby just to train me??!?! 

The fact is, E sleeps better since i made him this asylum jumper, which i sew up the sleeves so he can't scratch himself.  He sleeps 2 hours nap.  Over night as well!! That's a good 10 hours.  And i weaned him at the same time, no more milk (since he got hives on all the brand), and no more breast.  Does it mean he's not hungry?  He got enough nutrients??

I'm torn.  Should i relactate?  I'm a bad mom.  sigh!!!  I don't want to!!!  but i felt compelled to.... SIGH!!!!!

I regret and secretly thinks that it was the past 3-4 months after Dr said i can eat and test him out, that his skin starts to get worse with eczema, and his system went whacked.   Yeah he took my BM without immediate reaction, but delayed reaction of eczema.

We did the blood test on 9months.  Got the same lady who drew his blood last time and I called Helen to pray for us.  It went smoothly... just 1 take.  I was so relief.  And we had to wait almost 3 weeks for his result.  Because Dr said he doesn't have my number over the weekend to tell me his blood was not enough and I have to choose 23 elements to test... then 1 more week of delay.  The waiting period i want to die.  I'm just an impatience person!!

Class 6 being most serious.  Glad there's none.
Class 5: Wheat (I never thought this was it), Shrimp, Crab (Must be i ate so much during the last Pala visit)
Class 4-5: Dust mite (now we can change the carpet upstairs to all laminate... )
Class 4: Dairy, Egg
Class 3: Dog (Cobie?!! What do we do with you)
Class 2: Peanut, Almond
Class 1: Rice (What?!!!? we're Chinese??!) , Soy (only class1?? He was all red and itchy!), corn (I always suspect this!! He was very cranky last time), safflower (all those formula has this safflower oil!!!)
Class 0: Oat, sesame, sunflower oil. codfish (I guess that's why i can still have salmon sushi)

I think the class doesn't mean anything.  He can have delayed response for sure.  Now i fed him too much oat, and maybe now he's no longer tolerate it.  I guess I have to put him on rotation diet.
He scratch himself after taking rice.  But last night i have no choice but cook him rice porridge. 
I hope after his system's clear, i can do alimentum again???!!  God please help us!!!

Now E got sister's croup.  He cough and bark.  He's cranky.  But at least he can sleep better now.... not like before when i BF him.  He slept only 30 mins and was such a light sleeper.  He's loosing weight now. I can see his little cheek is not as puff.  He's not crawling yet.  because i didn't want him to be on the floor with Cobie's hair nor on the carpet.  everything's my fault.  I hindered his development.  But i want to blame the food allergy.  Please don't have asthma.  

We're finally well after 3 different antibiotics

3 weeks ago Sophie started to have fever.  It went away in 3 days, almost had to make her do a blood test.  They did a urine culture test, saying she has UTI but probably it's contaminated.   Then I started to have fever and chill and sore throat.  Went to urgent care they swap tested saying i'm strep throat positive.  Gave me 10 days of amoxicillin and 7 days after, my fever and chill come back, so as sore throat.   So I went to urgent care again.  This time they said strep is negative, gave me augmentin.  2 days later still have fever and chill.  Went back again, and they give me clarithromycin, did a simple blood test.   But then Ethan started to have fever as well.  Blood test result come back, saying it's viral.  Ethan had urine culture, and he had to do blood test because his fever doesn't go away after amoxicilin.  Then they have to do blood test on him.

Went to the first lab, the lady did one poke on his little arm, twisted the needle in it and can't find the vein.   She looked at the lab slips and said "That's a lot of blood",  "It's hard for me to do babies".  She then gave up and told me to go to the hospital across.   Went there, 3 ladies worked on him.  The receptionist was kind of anxious, and saying it's a lot of blood.

Then 2nd lab 3 ladies try and try, after poking the needle in they twist more in order to find the vein.  I have to hold him still in order for the 2 ladies to work on him.  They need lots of blood from him (4 tubes) so after first 3 tubes, the blood is not flowing, and it's so slow, Ethan was from crying loud to making tired crying sound, and I started to cry myself.   The nurses was so nice, they ask if I'm OK and even call Dr Tai if it's OK of not getting enough data.  But then I said just try the other arm too ... i prayed so hard, and Thanks God they found it right away.    Then both his arms were bruised and red afterwards.  I still have to research more about his UTI if it's necessary.  I don't want to see him in pain if not needed.  :P

But the first try at the LapCorp at Henry's Ethan was so brave he didn't cry though.  Just this time for the first arm it took so long to get the blood flowing and he was so cranky, and the process was so slow for first 3 tubes of blood, at first he was crying loud, and they it becomes just making tired cry.  Maybe he wasn't taking enough breast milk.   心痛死!!

Then Ethan was on azithromycin.  Fever still there.  His fever likes to come during/after nap/sleep. I have to wake up every 2 or 3 hours just to check and make sure he doesn't have fever.  So tired and feel like i'm dying.  During the day i didn't get a chance to nap.  Became so cranky.   Then finally Lam Kwan was suggesting if it's UTI i should ask to change med so his fever will be gone.  So after 3 days of azithromycin, Dr Tai gave him Septra.  Mixed of 2 antibiotic, and the fever's finally gone.  I wonder if it's because of UTI fever, or because of Ethan got my bug.  Poor baby.

Then Dr Tai replied my email giving me the name of the test.  I researched a bit, looks like it's not going to be in too much pain except having to do catheter.  I guess I'll have to think twice for the allergy blood test.  However, if it'll be going back to labcrop at Pomoerado with those same ladies, i'd give it a try I guess.

I hate to be in suspend of not knowing exactly what causing Ethan's "food reaction" of rashes, red dots and itching.  Sigh... i'm such a bad mom and it's hard for me to be on diet.