Somehow, this year i feel crappy.
I yell. I don't have patience. I don't love them enough.
I'm qualified for the worse mother of the whole universe.... well, not those who will kill and starve their child, but worse enough.
My husband said my daughter is so poor. Poor little girl who suffered every morning by my yell and scold.
I acknowledged. I cannot change.
I got upset when she's slow.
I got upset that my husband contributed to this slowness.
I got upset that my husband made her cough more by giving her icy cold watermelon.
I got upset for everything. Then I got mad. I yell.
Things are not my way. I got upset. Then I yell.
I don't have patience to deal with kids.
I don't have patience to let them slowly learn their way.
I think of revenge.
OK, go away and be late. Your fault. You take it yourself.
I hate myself.
My husband made me hate myself more.
I know i'm not a good wife, not a good mom. Because I always lost my patience and I always yell and scold and say mean things.
I yell. I don't have patience. I don't love them enough.
I'm qualified for the worse mother of the whole universe.... well, not those who will kill and starve their child, but worse enough.
My husband said my daughter is so poor. Poor little girl who suffered every morning by my yell and scold.
I acknowledged. I cannot change.
I got upset when she's slow.
I got upset that my husband contributed to this slowness.
I got upset that my husband made her cough more by giving her icy cold watermelon.
I got upset for everything. Then I got mad. I yell.
Things are not my way. I got upset. Then I yell.
I don't have patience to deal with kids.
I don't have patience to let them slowly learn their way.
I think of revenge.
OK, go away and be late. Your fault. You take it yourself.
I hate myself.
My husband made me hate myself more.
I know i'm not a good wife, not a good mom. Because I always lost my patience and I always yell and scold and say mean things.
I hate that he contribute to all these, because he only criticize, and do not try to help.
He just thinks that I'm over reacting.
He just thinks i'm scolding for nothing.
How i wish I can escape my role, not be a mother, not be a wife.
Free, for a week, or just for a day.
No kids, no husband, no myself.
It's a fine sunny day. But i just hate myself.
p.s. looking back, same issue. Same depressing. Same bad mom. Even i should have God, but seem i never allow God to help me with this. Temper issue. I'm getting worse. It's not that I'm ungrateful.
Depression has a cycle i guess. it's just too depressing. I think mother's day is just making them obligated to "do something" while they don't really think i'm a good enough mom to entitle to anything.
Not even a day to be free of chores.
Or to be free from being a mom.
Being a mom is too much task. Way too hard for me.
I have no God in my life. This is a reflection.
p.s. looking back, same issue. Same depressing. Same bad mom. Even i should have God, but seem i never allow God to help me with this. Temper issue. I'm getting worse. It's not that I'm ungrateful.
Depression has a cycle i guess. it's just too depressing. I think mother's day is just making them obligated to "do something" while they don't really think i'm a good enough mom to entitle to anything.
Not even a day to be free of chores.
Or to be free from being a mom.
Being a mom is too much task. Way too hard for me.
I have no God in my life. This is a reflection.
No comments:
Post a Comment